ugh. i'm so sick and tired of making an effort with everyone. no one ever contacts me. i'm always the one emailing, texting, and commenting. wtf?! i'm just not gonna care anymore. i see who my true friends are. i guess i've always known but it's just sad to finaly accept it.

so other than my crappy social life, things are looking a little better. there are still some dark nights that i'm trying to get through. i just feel like i have no one to confide in. i definitely need to get out of the house but right now it just smells like smoke and it's not good on my lungs.

i have more hours at my internship. i started yesturday and am supposed to go back tomorrow but i don't think i can. it's just to effing hot and the pets are home all day. Jake is ok because he can enjoy the AC but the dog is cooped up in the room all day and it's the hottest room. i am praying for rain at this point.

i love winter over summer hands down. maybe that says something about me huh.

well of all the things i was expecting, i did not expect to be kicked off the top 16 and even worse, not to even be on it! i have to say it's a slap in the face to me. of all the the outcomes, i always thought we would remain friends, always be there for each other..................... i guess it was always a one-sided relationship. i was not expecting this at all. i don't even know how to feel. a part of me wants to cry, a part of me is like wtf. for sure he is saying move on with your life because there is no longer any room for you in mine. it is what is, right.

well moving on:

this week has been crazy. my family is just always on the move. there is always something to do, some errand to run. it's horrible most of the time. omg but we may have a dog soon. there's this dog that always hangs out at the supermarket and mum always feels sorry for it. she's been feeding it and she wanted to take it home Monday but it's so scared. she's been abused by people and won't go near anyone. we found her home a block away and the man says we could take her and her two pups but the house isn't exactly pet friendly

so we're gonna try and fix up some of the doors and find some toys and a dog house for her. she really is cute. we for sure need to take her to the vet to get checked out. hopefully Frank won't startle her and one day she and Spica can coexist in the house. hehe. we still need to clean the room so Spice can go in. he really wants to and i feel bad not letting him in.

i still have not found a job. then again not a lot of energy is going into doing so. i just feel i need to be in like a zone or mode to tackle it but once i get into it something always distracts me. i've lost my support system and there's no one like cheering me on and encouraging me. and i know it sounds dumb and childish but these people were everything to me and now they're not here. only Oreo makes an effort to reach me. i feel lost. soon i'll hit the point where i realize that i'm on my own and that i'll always be on my own because obviously i can't rely on anyone. i don't know why i thought i could. childish.

this morning was not a good one for me. i tossed and turned in my sleep. i had like all these nightmares. first my mom was shot by a driveby and then i kept switching back in forth with a dream about me missing a plane. it was weird. i even got to know Rick's mom and dad in didfferent situations and they both didn't even look like his parents.

i think i'm losing it. maybe i just miss my mom and home though it's not the first time i've had that dream about my mom. maybe just because we haven't talked much since i got back from Spring Break. As far as missing the plane, maybe there's just so much stuff to do that i'm over whelmed and feel like i'm missing something..........

Heather text me to go to breakfast. i ordered my eggs and sat down. when i got up someone had taken my plate. i was like are you serious?! someone took my food! who does that?! the girl , jamie's teammate, came back and gave me the plate. i was like yeah..... she walked away. that was my food and it takes Steve a while to make them good. if i had waited for a new pair he wouldn't have made them good because he'd know i'm waiting. so yeah it made me upset and i had a bitch fit. sue me!

afterwards i hung out at the lib with Heather. i made some Yearbook flyers because it's pretty clear that no one is going to take responsibilty for this mess. i'm pretty fed up with this whole yearbook thing. i don't even know where to start. and then Robin left the GSA money with Jaime Sage who left it with Lance. like really??!!! it probably doesn't even exist anymore. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so yeah studied some more and then Oreo and i went to lunch. they had mac n cheese which was pretty decent. we saw Little and man i love that lady. we're starting a "We Make Orie's Life Miserable" club. hehe. i finished my study guide and one of the two abstracts i needed. i need to email Hager. lol. Study Slam was pretty fun last night too.

i'm now at work and hoping to get some articles read and then later tonight work on my Pratt essay. ugh. i just want this week to be over. i am pooped. i'm sick of everything. i want to be with my kitty.

i just wanna go home to my kitty at this point & live off of Estrella pozole and $5 Baja Fish Taco Combos. that's the goal!